life as we know it
another “thinking out loud” post:
those of you who know me well know that i never ask for help. it’s both a blessing and a curse that i believe i’m capable of anything on my own. being here, i’m starting to see so much about myself that i’d never noticed before. maybe it’s always been there, maybe it’s new – either way, i’m beginning to understand myself a little better everyday.
i have always done things for people and never thought about it. i see that the root of that was my insecurity. i wanted to please the people around me so that they would tell me that i meant something to them. i never asked for anything in return, and then wondered why i was full of angst when people didn’t treat me the same way that i treated them.
i have a very high standard for how i treat the people who are important to me. i’ve said time and time again that i would drop almost anything for the people who are important to me. i still stand by this. the people who support me are my family regardless of whether we’re actually related or not.
i see now that between not asking for help and always being the one to take care of others around me, that it looked like i didn’t want any help. this may be the reason that some people are no longer a part of my life, or why i have had some falling outs. i know that i am as much at fault for these things as anyone else involved. i would like to make sure that from here on out, i am as true to myself as i can be. i would like to have healthy friendships and relationships where the contributions are equal, and where i don’t end up resenting others in the end. i’m not going to lower my expectations of people, but it’s not my job to take care of everyone in the world. how can i take care of other people if i’m not taking care of myself?
i really love it in japan, the food is amazing, being close to my family is amazing, and the city is foreign and invigorating. i’m looking forward to this next adventure in life and all that it has to teach me.